To This Day - Shane Koyczan
When I was a kid
I used to think that pork chops and karate chops
were the
same thing
I thought they were both pork chops
and because my grandmother
thought it was cute
and because they were my favourite
she let me keep doing it not really a big deal
one day
before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees
I
fell out of a tree
and bruised the right side of my body
I didn’t want to tell my grandmother about it
because I was afraid I’d get
in trouble
for playing somewhere that I shouldn’t have been
a few days later the gym teacher noticed the bruise
and I got sent to the
principal’s office
from there I was sent to another small room
with a
really nice lady
who asked me all kinds of questions
about my life at
home
I saw no reason to lie
as far as I was concerned
life was pretty
good
I told her “whenever I’m sad
my grandmother gives me karate
chops”
this led to a full scale investigation
and I was removed from the house
for three days
until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises
news of this silly little story quickly spread through the school
and I
earned my first nickname
pork chop
to this day
I hate pork chops
I’m not the only kid
who grew up this way
surrounded by people who used
to say
that rhyme about sticks and stones
as if broken bones
hurt more
than the names we got called
and we got called them all
so we grew up
believing no one
would ever fall in love with us
that we’d be lonely
forever
that we’d never meet someone
to make us feel like the sun
was
something they built for us
in their tool shed
so broken heart strings
bled the blues
as we tried to empty ourselves
so we would feel
nothing
don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone
that an ingrown
life
is something surgeons can cut away
that there’s no way for it to
metastasize
it does
she was eight years old
our first day of grade three
when she got
called ugly
we both got moved to the back of the class
so we would stop
get bombarded by spit balls
but the school halls were a battleground
where
we found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day
we used to stay inside
for recess
because outside was worse
outside we’d have to rehearse running
away
or learn to stay still like statues giving no clues that we were
there
in grade five they taped a sign to her desk
that read beware of
dog
to this day
despite a loving husband
she doesn’t think she’s
beautiful
because of a birthmark
that takes up a little less than half of
her face
kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer
that someone tried
to erase
but couldn’t quite get the job done
and they’ll never
understand
that she’s raising two kids
whose definition of
beauty
begins with the word mom
because they see her heart
before they
see her skin
that she’s only ever always been amazing
he
was a broken branch
grafted onto a different family
tree
adopted
but not because his parents opted for a different
destiny
he was three when he became a mixed drink
of one part left
alone
and two parts tragedy
started therapy in 8th grade
had a
personality made up of tests and pills
lived like the uphills were
mountains
and the downhills were cliffs
four fifths suicidal
a tidal
wave of anti depressants
and an adolescence of being called popper
one
part because of the pills
and ninety nine parts because of the cruelty
he
tried to kill himself in grade ten
when a kid who still had his mom and
dad
had the audacity to tell him “get over it” as if depression
is
something that can be remedied
by any of the contents found in a first aid
kit
to this day
he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends
could describe to
you in detail the way the sky bends
in the moments before it’s about to
fall
and despite an army of friends
who all call him an inspiration
he
remains a conversation piece between people
who can’t understand
sometimes
becoming drug free
has less to do with addiction
and more to do with
sanity
we weren’t the only kids who grew up this way
to this day
kids are
still being called names
the classics were
hey stupid
hey spaz
seems
like each school has an arsenal of names
getting updated every year
and if
a kid breaks in a school
and no one around chooses to hear
do they make a
sound?
are they just the background noise
of a soundtrack stuck on
repeat
when people say things like
kids can be cruel?
every school was
a big top circus tent
and the pecking order went
from acrobats to lion
tamers
from clowns to carnies
all of these were miles ahead of who we
were
we were freaks
lobster claw boys and bearded
ladies
oddities
juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin
the bottle
trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal
but at
night
while the others slept
we kept walking the tightrope
it was
practice
and yeah
some of us fell
but I want to tell them
that all of this shit
is just
debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we
thought
we used to be
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about
yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little
longer
because there’s something inside you
that made you keep
trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your
broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
“they were
wrong”
because maybe you didn’t belong to a group or a click
maybe they
decided to pick you last for basketball or everything
maybe you used to bring
bruises and broken teeth
to show and tell but never told
because how can
you hold your ground
if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath
it
you have to believe that they were wrong
they have to be wrong
why else would we still be here?
we grew up learning to cheer on the
underdog
because we see ourselves in them
we stem from a root planted in
the belief
that we are not what we were called we are not abandoned cars
stalled out and sitting empty on a highway
and if in some way we are
don’t
worry
we only got out to walk and get gas
we are graduating members from
the class of
fuck off we made it
not the faded echoes of voices crying
out
names will never hurt me
of course
they did
but our lives will only ever always
continue to be
a balancing
act
that has less to do with pain
and more to do with beauty.